


Use Your Words

by SamuelJames



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-20
Updated: 2011-09-20
Packaged: 2017-10-23 22:04:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/255518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamuelJames/pseuds/SamuelJames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim tries to make amends after upsetting his partner and tries to pin down exactly why being vulnerable scares him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Use Your Words

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Use Your Words  
> Pairing: Jim Kirk/Leonard McCoy  
> Rating: PG-13  
> Summary: Jim tries to make amends after upsetting his partner and tries to pin down exactly why being vulnerable scares him.  
> Notes: Written for slashthedrabble where the prompt was "What I meant was ..."  
> Disclaimer: Star Trek is the property of its creators. No copyright infringement is intended.  
> Archiving Information: Please do not archive elsewhere on the net.

They were meant to be spending this shore leave together but Jim was currently in his quarters alone and presumed Bones was at their hotel already. They hadn't argued much since making the transition from friends to lovers but this particular fight had been one hell of a way to start their vacation.

Jim knew he was at fault but when faced with Bones standing there wanting so much from him all he'd done was find the best combination of words to inflict the most damage. He'd stormed out and spent a lonely night in his own bed. His calls to Bones had gone unanswered so Jim decided to put down in words what he hadn't been able to verbalise.

Bones,

What I said was me too but what I meant was I love you. I could say that they're the same thing but clearly it matters to you. It matters to me too Bones. Even writing it down took some effort for me.

Objectively I love my family though none of us have ever used those words. Saying them to you scares the hell out of me but I trust you. I love hearing you say it and hope that I'll hear it again. I am sorry that I made you feel like I wasn't as invested in us as you are. You're the best friend I've ever had and the longest relationship. I couldn't stand to lose either one of those things. I've come to rely on you and need you. I wouldn't be where I am without your support.

I left last night because I somehow thought it'd be better to walk away, to win the fight. For a moment it felt like a victory till it hit me that my issues didn't matter half as much as how happy you make me. You've never once betrayed a confidence or made me regret trusting you so I'm sorry if it felt like I was holding back. All those times I said me too I meant it and it was never meant to seem like a trite response. In my head I was telling you I loved you. You're a grouch sometimes but last night you sounded more hurt than angry so I guess this has been building for a while.

You need me to say the actual words and I will, every day if you'll accept this apology. I love you. I love your early morning grumpiness, the way you roll your eyes at me and the way you let me ramble on about the brilliance and terror of captaining this ship. You've always called me on my shit and I'll never not need that. I'm sorry that I messed up and that when you needed me to say them I held back those words. I know it's safe to say them to you and only hope I haven't managed to push you away. Please tell me we're not beyond repair.

Love and lots of it  
Jim


End file.
